After

today I've pretty much decided that I have no clue what to do. I want distance but I want to feel close. I want you to shut up but I just can't stop listening to that voice...those words. I simply just want an easy way to forget everything but I dont want to start over, I could never get rid of my past. I want to go two different ways and my body doesn't want to divide. I think I could debate for days on what I would acutally do and never come up with an answer. I want to experence more drugs but I dont want to mess myself up. I want to do better in school but I dont want to have to work hard. Its different for everyone. I just so happen to deal with a million different ones. Now; like I said, everyone is different so you could be dealing with them too; maybe even more so than me. I wish I knew what to call them. Wants. I just dont understand wants. I want to be best friends with an athiest but I want to become a better christian. I want to be friends with my parents but I want to rebel. I want to keep old freinds but I want new ones. I can't have everything that I want. And its not so easy to just sit back and not enjoy things because yr trying to decide what you want. I know what this is just writeing on the internet in a blog but it really means something.

This

day changed my life most likely. I went to my friend's grandmother's funeral today and i felt... i can't even tell you. Something about my outlook of life is changing. I dont know what to think about anything. Everything is making me feel akward and I pretty much am just upset and hating this day. I dont like anything about it.

Life

is something alot of us take for granted. We're all just as guilty as the guy we sit next to on the bus or at lunch or see walking down the street. We all have our great days on which it seems nothing can bring you down& you are on a cloud. But on your bad days when all you want is to die; think twice. Last Thursday my best friend for 5 years' grandma passed away and its really starting to make me think. I'm attending her funeral tomorrow and my friend and her family are really having a rough time with this. I've been thinking about it too. The last time I remember attending a funeral before this was for my own grandmother and it just kind of makes me think about life; really look at it. I don't want to spend all my life saying that I'll get ready for college later or that I'll just talk to that friend that I haven't talked to in months tomorrow and just keep putting it off. Its not a habit that I'm one to like to get in. I think everyone should start small and just work their way to realizing how great life is& maybe someday we'll all accept the miracle that our father gave to us.